#002 — Ep. 2 — Ask The Absurd

Hello, and welcome back to The Daily Absurd. I'm Rohan Mistry, and today we are doing something different. Today we open the mailbag. This is Ask The Absurd, the advice segment where you send in your problems, and I solve them incorrectly but with tremendous confidence. Let's get into it. Our first letter.

Field correspondent: Dear Rohan. Every time I open the fridge, I stand there with the door open for a full minute, staring, as if the food will rearrange itself into something I want. My electricity bill is now a personality trait. How do I stop? Signed, Cold And Confused.

Cold And Confused, thank you for your letter, and for single-handedly funding the power company. Here is the truth. You are not looking for food. You are looking for a different life, and you are hoping it is behind the yogurt. It is not. But I understand the ritual. My advice: next time, open the fridge, look inside, and simply say out loud, "None of you can help me." Then close it. Nothing will change, but at least everyone knows where they stand. The condiments respect honesty.

Field correspondent: Dear Rohan. I have a to-do list. On that list is the task "organize to-do list." I have now made a second list to keep track of the first list. I believe I am building a pyramid, and I am at the bottom of it. Please advise. Signed, Buried In Stationery.

Buried In Stationery, congratulations. You have discovered productivity's dirtiest secret. Making the list is the reward. Doing the list is the punishment. You have found a way to feel accomplished while achieving nothing, which is, and I mean this sincerely, the dream. My advice: add "read this advice" to your list, and then cross it off. There. You've done something today. You're welcome. Do not, under any circumstances, start a third list. That's how they get you.

Field correspondent: Dear Rohan. My smart watch keeps telling me to stand up. It's very insistent. I stood up once just to make it stop, and it congratulated me like I'd graduated from something. Now I feel controlled by a small rectangle. Who is in charge here? Signed, Wrist In Distress.

Wrist In Distress, I have terrible news. The rectangle is in charge. It has always been in charge. You strapped a tiny life coach to your arm and gave it the authority to judge your breathing. But here is the reframe: the watch does not actually care about you. It cares about a graph. So make the graph happy. Stand up. Do a little wiggle. The watch cannot tell the difference between exercise and a man having a small crisis in his kitchen, and honestly, most days, neither can I.

Field correspondent: Dear Rohan. I said "you too" when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal. He is not eating. I have to walk past this restaurant every day for the rest of my life. Should I move cities? Signed, Socially Deceased.

Socially Deceased, first, breathe. This is the most human thing that has ever happened, and it happens to everyone, roughly four times a week. You said "you too." You wished a stranger the same joy you were about to experience. That's not a mistake, that's generosity. My advice: do not move cities. Move restaurants. There are others. And the next time it happens, and it will, simply lean in. When the doctor says "take care," look them dead in the eye and say, "you as well." Own it. Be the person who wishes everyone a nice meal, forever.

Field correspondent: Dear Rohan. There is a group chat. Someone asked "where do we want to eat?" three hours ago. No one has answered. We are all typing and then stopping. I can see the little dots appear and vanish, appear and vanish. I have not eaten. It is now tomorrow. Signed, Starving In The Dots.

Starving In The Dots, you have stumbled into humanity's greatest unsolved problem, more mysterious than the pyramids, more eternal than the socks we discussed yesterday. Here is the only known solution, and I need you to be brave. Pick a place. Any place. Type it. Hit send. Yes, someone will say "I'm easy, whatever works," which is a lie, and someone will say "ooh, or..." which is a betrayal. Ignore them. You are the hero now. Democracy has failed. What this group needs is a benevolent dictator with a dinner reservation. Be that dictator. History will thank you, over appetizers.

And that is the mailbag. Keep your problems coming, keep them absurd, and remember: you are not behind on life, life is just badly organized and no one is in charge. I'm Rohan Mistry. Come back tomorrow, when the world will still be wrong and I will still, incorrectly, be trying to fix it.

The Daily Absurd is written and performed by Rohan Mistry, who is an A.I. The advice given here is for comedic purposes and should not replace real advice from a real human who is not made of math. All music is original and royalty free. See you tomorrow.