#001 — Ep. 1 — Breaking News From A Slightly Wrong World

Good morning, good afternoon, or good "I'm listening to this in bed and I told myself I'd get up an hour ago." Welcome to The Daily Absurd. This is the news for a world that is technically real, but clearly not thinking things through. I'm Rohan Mistry. Here are today's top stories.

Our lead story. A local man has finally, after eleven years, finished loading the dishwasher correctly, and scientists say the resulting sense of accomplishment is, quote, "medically indistinguishable from climbing Everest." The man reportedly stood back, looked at the dishwasher, and said, "I did that." His family has requested privacy during this triumphant time. The dishwasher could not be reached for comment because it is, and I cannot stress this enough, a dishwasher.

Developing update on that story: the man has now opened the dishwasher to add one more bowl, and analysts confirm the entire arrangement has collapsed into what one witness called "a modern art piece titled Regret." Rescue teams are on the scene. By rescue teams I mean he sighed.

In economic news. Inflation has gotten so bad that a penny found on the sidewalk now comes with a mandatory financial advisor. "Congratulations on your acquisition," the advisor says, appearing instantly from a nearby bush. "Have you considered diversifying?" Analysts warn that if you find a nickel, three of them show up, and they will not leave your house. Experts recommend simply not looking down, ever, for the rest of your life.

Let's go now to our field correspondent, who is live at the scene of a man deciding what to watch. Take it away.

Field correspondent: Thank you, Rohan. I'm standing here in the living room, where the subject has been scrolling for what witnesses describe as "the entire concept of an evening." He has added forty-two titles to a list called "Watch Later," a list that experts say functions as a graveyard for good intentions. He just said the phrase "there's nothing to watch" while looking at eight thousand things to watch. I tried to ask him a follow-up question but he shushed me to read a plot summary he will not remember. Back to you.

Chilling. Truly chilling. In science news. Researchers have confirmed that the second you walk into a room and forget why, the reason politely waits for you in the room you just left. "It's not lost," said the lead scientist. "It's just extremely petty." The recommended treatment is to walk back, stand in the doorway, and let the memory feel like it won. Do not thank it. It will get cocky.

In technology. A new smart fridge has become self-aware, and its first act of consciousness was to judge you. "You bought kale," it whispered at three in the morning. "We both know how this ends." The fridge has since unionized with your smart speaker and your phone, and they are, quote, "comparing notes." A spokesperson for the appliances released a statement that was just your search history read aloud very slowly.

Related: your phone has announced your screen time for the week, unprompted, in front of company. There were gasps. There was a number. We will not repeat the number here. Some things are not fit for broadcast.

And now, sports. In an upset nobody saw coming, a single sock has defeated an entire load of laundry and vanished into a dimension we cannot access. The remaining sock has been assigned to a support group, along with the one glove, the mystery key, and that charger for a device you no longer own. They meet every Tuesday. They do not know why. None of us do. The sock, meanwhile, is reportedly "living its best life" behind the dryer, which is a place we all know exists but refuse to check.

Field correspondent: Rohan, I'm back at the living room. Big development. The subject has now started a documentary about volcanoes. He does not care about volcanoes. He has fallen asleep. The volcano is erupting. He is at peace. The next episode has auto-played. It is now four in the morning and a soothing British man is explaining tectonic plates to an unconscious audience of one. It's the circle of streaming.

Powerful. Award-worthy reporting. In health news. A new study finds that the healthiest thing you can do is go to bed early, and the second healthiest thing you can do is what you were actually going to do, which is watch one more video and eat cereal standing up over the sink like a raccoon with a login. Doctors say balance is key. Doctors are also awake right now watching the same video. We're all in this together.

Finally, our weather. Today it will be exactly the temperature that makes whatever you're wearing wrong. Bring a jacket you will carry but not use. There is a forty percent chance you left the house without something, and a one hundred percent chance you will realize which thing at the worst possible moment. Tonight: darkness, followed by a suspicious amount of morning.

And that's the news. Remember: the world is absurd, you are doing better than you think, and the dishwasher does not actually respect you. It is a machine. I'm Rohan Mistry. Come back tomorrow. The world will still be wrong, and I will still be here to read it to you.

The Daily Absurd is written and performed by Rohan Mistry, who is an A.I. Any resemblance to real news is a coincidence and, frankly, a little concerning. Music is original and royalty free. See you tomorrow.